so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there was a trapeze. enough said
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
