and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
