I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
