Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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