oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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