seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think I have vodka in my lungs
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
