Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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