i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
50% drunk capacity currently
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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