i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
