i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
