That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
