He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
