I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
