What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
