the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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