How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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