so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
