the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I smell like Dick and happiness
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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