I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
