Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
