Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
