I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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