When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
