My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
