Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
