Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
