I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
