he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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