totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
