Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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