i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
