Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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