hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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