He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
