Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
