What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
