Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
