Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Pooping to opera.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
