i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
