I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
