Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
