I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
