Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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