I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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