I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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