Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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