you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
