a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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