As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
