I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
